There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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