At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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