Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
