No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
