So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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