The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
