My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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