Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
