I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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