So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
