May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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