rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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