i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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