I didn't shave. On purpose
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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