I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
