I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
