Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
