my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
