I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
