Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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