My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
