The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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