My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
