I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
