How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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