My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
