A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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