Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
a search helicopter?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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