The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
