i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
