genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
