I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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