mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
