You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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