it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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