Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
this will be a night to untag.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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