It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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