WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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