I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
