I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
