just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
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You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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