If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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