I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
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He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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