I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
