They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
