Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
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Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
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meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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