im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I checked into jail on foursquare
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
