Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
