He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
