i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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