I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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