i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
