I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
pray to the hookup gods
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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