I puked a lego.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
