If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
