You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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