This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
