Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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